i t s . t h e . l i t t l e . t h i n g s . a n d . t a c o s
In the end, my journey has nothing to do with you.
For the past couple years I have been battling the feeling of not knowing what I am going to do with my life, and what I am doing with my life.
Its a strange feeling, cause there are a lot of obvious pathways I could choose.
Music is an obvious one, and more recently a yoga instructor.
Spirituality lives inside me, though I know I don’t often come across as a stereotypical blissed out super being, or talking in beautiful tongue. I respect the spirituality within, and I don’t rush it. Cause I know its in there, and I know that it is perfect. I never know when I will see glimpses of it coming. I like that. Im always surprising myself. Probably cause I have no expectations of it.
In a lot of ways, I mostly just like stretching. Stretching my imagination, stretching my limbs. Its all the same, for me it symbolizes growth.
For the past 3 years, I have been trying to figure out “What I want to do with my life?”
I love playing music. In a lot of ways, it comes easy for me. I don’t have a lot of expectations of it. When I was heavy into it, I was embracing it because it was flowing. I was feeling everything, and sharing made me feel good. To see how touched people were by the music, by the lyrics. Its an honorable feeling.
Then somewhere in there, my intentions shifted, and It felt like more of a chore than a pleasurable experience.
Im pretty sure everyone can relate to that last statement. Whether in career or relationship. At the end of the day, you have to check in with yourself, and ask yourself: Is this really serving me?
Its OK to change your mind.
There is a part of me, that really would love to just be there for my man. To support him and love him, to travel with him, and to be the mother of his children. Success would be our kids asking mama for kale chips over Cheez-its. Success would be hours of play time, and big hugs. I sometimes get a strong feeling, that that is where my next step should be.
I am often conflicted by the whole I am a powerful woman, I have a career, I can bring in as much income as my man, etc…I make up that the whole “stay at home mom” is really not empowering, for me anyways, and that given the position I am in, would it look like I was just trying to land myself in that position? Would people say, “Yeah she was a singer, then she married a rock star and now she just quit everything and became a Mom…” Well yeah, put that way, that doesnt sound very empowering does it? We choose our own adventure, and we choose to make things mean whatever we want them to mean. I can see, I am not even there yet, and im already creating the possibility of my possibility being wrong, or not good enough. “We make things so hard..”, chimes in Tricia.
Im caught in a story, and I am hung up on looking good. When really, I should just get clear with myself, and those around me.
I know I will make another record, but I don’t think my goal is going to be to become Lady Gaga or anything. Ive never been super technical when it comes to music, Ive never been a super fancy guitar player. I dont know scales or chord names, Ive always been fueled by feeling.
My goal for this next record is to be authentic, to be myself, to be genuine. To share about all the things that have come up for me over the last couple years. Sometimes I feel like Ive grown so numb to a lot of music, including some of my newer material, trying to come up with something that I think someone else will want to hear, or that will sound good on the radio. Its easy to loose sight of why I started down this particular path in the first place. The work I get to do here however, is very rewarding. Its a challenge. I never thought I would get myself into such a complicated situation, especially with the one thing I have always felt has come easy for me. Ive always thought the best songs are the ones that are born from a very innocent place. A place of no expectation. A place of love. I have to let go. Why am I so scared of being successful? Its time for a little stretching…
I also know I will be a Mom someday, its something I have wanted since I was in my early 20’s. I know my kids are going to be amazing. My instincts for motherhood, my undying need to tend to people, to make sure the they are safe and sound, my yearning for making sure everyone has a safe space to flourish, create, and spread their wings and fly. Combined with all that LOVE I have inside, Im gonna rule at being a Mom. Plus, I have a good one of my own to reference.
After reading this article. It is clear.
There is no right or wrong, no “should be doings”.
Where the fuck did this so called rule book come from anyways?
Do what you want, and do it out of love. Thats all that matters.
Honoring the women that came before us.
Honoring, also, the men that love and support us unconditionally.
Honoring the diving goddess within me.
Me that is you, and you that is me.
A reflection of one, a reflection of we.
Happy International Women’s Day!
If you are in LA tonight, join me to see Marianne Williamson:
7:30pm - Regent Showcase Theatre
- 614 N. La Brea Avenue
- Los Angeles, CA 90036
- $15, no one turned away who cannot pay
- Valet parking available…