i t s . t h e . l i t t l e . t h i n g s . a n d . t a c o s
It seems like everyone around me is sad….down low…treading water.
My friend, also bummed out, said to me yesterday, “its like your stuck in a box, thats floating in the middle of the ocean…and even if you get out of the box, your still floating in the middle of the ocean, and you have no idea where the hell you are….”
I dont want to be sad. But I am having frequent moments.
Im waiting to get so annoyed with my sadness that I snap out of it.
But sometimes its like do I think that I am supposed to be sad, and thats why I am sad… or am i really kinda sad?
I have a lot of people around me right now saying…
Oh shes lost. Shes got some healing to do. What happend to the girl I met.
Shes in here. Shes just exploring..her sadness. Her lost-ness. Her unself ness. which is very much myself. Gotta have the one to have the other right?
Anyhow, yes I got it. I am kinda not “my self” these days.
But, I suppose that shit happens when something big in your life dissolves. On a dime. Unexpected.
Its easy to feel guilty.
Did I do something wrong? Did I loose my charm? Did i get unpretty? Did I get un witty? Did I get untalented? Did I not love enough? Listen good enough? Was I not a good friend? A good lover?
What the hell happened????? I want to know who propose’s when they are not ready, and why you do that? Anyone care to share, how that happens? It seems like this has happend to more people than I even ever realized. How does that happen to me. Its not even like I was a crazy chick or anything. I was stoked.
And I feel like someone just took all my stoke away. And now I cant even believe someone held that much power over me to de-stoke me like that. (and yes I know, ‘no one did anything TO me”….everything I am feeling is me, making myself feel it…)
Also frustrating when I want to write happy songs, but it seems like nothing but heavy under a microscope type things are coming out of me at the moment.
I guess that is what is supposed to be coming now.
Yeah yea, I know its all perfect. And it all happens for the best.
But I think Im just gonna let myself feel for a minute, and not try to figure out why it happened…or act like Im all good and have it together…cause i dont.
The only place I seem to be happy is in the ocean.
Guess its good to know Im still human.
Sigh.
