Once upon a time I got really clear on what I wanted...
And BOOM! Dreams on a platter. Take your pick.
My friend suggested a month ago, that I make a list of all the qualities I want in my perfect partner. And to get really specific. So I did. And then the next day, out of nowhere, I ran into an old friend. I kind of laughed at how perfect he seemed, according to my list. I even said to him, “Wow, I wasn’t expecting you so soon!” He seemed fitting, until I got the impression that he might give me a baby tomorrow. So I went back to my list, and made a couple edits. “Want’s a family: Not tomorrow.” Its partly my fault, cause I have wanted a kid since 24, and I have a tendancy to rush in to things…especially in this new found place of wide-eyed wonderment. I cant help but try people on and dream big. This often gets mistaken for leading someone on…so I’m learning how to take it slow, for the sake of myself and others.
Everyday, I learn something new about myself.
I am enjoying observing how different people’s energy can stir up, awaken, and unlock all sorts of feelings, emotions & energy within me. There was one person recently, who just annoyed the shit out of me. They would talk and I would instantly get annoyed. Since we are all reflections of each other, I started looking within. What about them is annoying me? When was there a time in my life when I could totally relate to that behavior? Talk about releasing and letting go. Its like once I can remember, ‘Oh yeah, I was totally sucked into this and preaching that…’ Once I can own it, I can fully release it, and then I can really see someone for who they are, and I can fully love & support them.
This month has been a series of many beautiful days in a row, of release, let go & awaken.
The other morning I had this full on epiphany. I have been hoarding all this LOVE I have cultivated within me…I MUST GIVE IT AWAY!!!! ASAP!!!!!!!!!
My friend said to me, “T, you seem like you would be a really hard girl to date, you don’t need anything from anyone…” FML. I never thought about that. I always thought my independence, my freedom, having my own life going on, was a turn on. And I think it is to some degree, but I imagine its also intimidating. I realized I had gotten so good at being on my own, that I started to never lean on anyone. I would give a little here and there, enough to lure someone in, but I would still keep a lot of my awesome for myself. I realized I might be the most closed off, open person I know. I totally started alienating myself.
I came to the conclusion, that its just a result of fear. This kind of, ‘Well if I just get good at taking care of myself, I can build myself a little castle, and no one will ever be able to take it away. If I never let anyone in, they can never break my heart. If I never reach out to anyone, I will never be dissapointed.’ WRONG! This is not loving full out! Back to the drawing board…
I thought to myself, this is not the TP I know. The TP I know, lives to learn, and learns to love, and wants to know about it all…(Yes, I might have just took that line from one of my song lyrics..but so true.) The TP I know wears her heart on her sleeve. She loves full out, and isn’t attached. The TP I know is spastic and elated with everyone she meets. She is childlike and curious, and in the flow. Im so glad I reminded myself.
Yes, I got a little unbalanced. But I’m finding my way back to the center. Realizing it’s ok to lean, it’s ok to let someone do something nice for you, it’s ok to let a guy worship you and call you a goddess, it’s ok to OPEN up!!!! It’s ok to be weird and funny and 100% totally transparent and authentic and just be you in all your YOU-ness! And its important to honor the divine within you and know that you are WORTHY of all of it. You are a QUEEN. You are a KING. At the end of the day, you know that your happiness comes from within, and no one can sway or alter it.
How amazing is it to be you? How amazing is it to feel so grounded in your self love, that you can fully open up to all the elements and see everyone & everything that comes in & out of your life, as a big beautiful blessing? How amazing to let your love breathe deep as your breath, and flow as free as the tide.
I know for me, I am the most happy when I just throw all the details out the window and laugh my ass off.
So back to the list. I had made many lists revolving around the perfect partner, love relationship, etc… but I had never made a list for anything career, album, music related. I had always left that department of life an open book of whatever happens, happens. But a couple weeks ago, I heard this loud voice in my head say, “Make the list…” So I did.
I started with now, then tomorrow, next week, the upcoming months, the next year. My 3rd album, the songs, the producer, the production, the process, even how I wanted to feel making this next record. The sequence, the artwork, the colors, the message. Then I went into touring; shows, merchandise, venues, my band. Then promotion, TV, radio, traveling, the opportunities that would come my way, books, and fashion, jewelry. The level of success, the albums sold, and what it would allow me the freedom to do in the future. My gratitude, my rapport with my fans, my simple life. I listed everything, and the more I started listing, the more I couldn’t stop. I went nuts. I basically wrote out my future, according to me. And then I handed it over to the Universe.
A week later, my dream producer wrote, saying he really wanted to do the record. But not till November. I was a little bit disappointed, because I was so fired up. And then I read something that went like this:
"First you have to know what you want, defined in terms of the end result. And then you have to physically move towards it, without defining the hows. At which point, the thing you want actually starts coming to you, on its own terms, from a direction completely unexpected. Just carry on, detached from the details and timing, and perhaps act like you couldn’t care less."
And then I remembered how I’m getting my dog in a couple weeks, and this extra time at home to just be with her, train her, love her and pick up her poop, will be glorious. I also really wanted to do this yoga teacher training that was coming up, and now I wont have to do it in bits and pieces.
In a nutshell, the delay till November will allow me to do everything I really want to do. Who says you can’t have it all? Only you can tell yourself that.
Plus, this new window has provided a little more canvas to dream up some more magic: A tour perhaps, supporting some rad artist, just for the fun of it. Of course I also have to trust that there must be some songs not written, and that I’m gonna need till November to get them out.
It’s amazing what happens when you get out of your own way.
My friend read me an excerpt from this book, SynchroDestiny by Deepak Chopra, yesterday. I cant remember what it said exactly but it went something like this: Gravity is always there. We don’t have to believe it is working, it just is. The same goes for our intention. Its always there, working in our favor, so long as we get clear on what it is we want.
Cheers to getting clear. Dream big my friends. You can have it all. It can be easy. Its meant to be fun. You just got to choose it, and then set it free.
With my hands in the air! Giving you a big heyooo!!!
“Take someone who doesn’t keep score, who’s not looking to be richer, or afraid of losing, who has not the slightest interest even in his own personality: he’s free.”—FURUZANFAR #116 - THE RUMI COLLECTION
It seems like everyone around me is sad….down low…treading water.
My friend, also bummed out, said to me yesterday, “its like your stuck in a box, thats floating in the middle of the ocean…and even if you get out of the box, your still floating in the middle of the ocean, and you have no idea where the hell you are….”
I dont want to be sad. But I am having frequent moments.
Im waiting to get so annoyed with my sadness that I snap out of it.
But sometimes its like do I think that I am supposed to be sad, and thats why I am sad… or am i really kinda sad?
I have a lot of people around me right now saying…
Oh shes lost. Shes got some healing to do. What happend to the girl I met.
Shes in here. Shes just exploring..her sadness. Her lost-ness. Her unself ness. which is very much myself. Gotta have the one to have the other right?
Anyhow, yes I got it. I am kinda not “my self” these days.
But, I suppose that shit happens when something big in your life dissolves. On a dime. Unexpected.
Its easy to feel guilty.
Did I do something wrong? Did I loose my charm? Did i get unpretty? Did I get un witty? Did I get untalented? Did I not love enough? Listen good enough? Was I not a good friend? A good lover?
What the hell happened????? I want to know who propose’s when they are not ready, and why you do that? Anyone care to share, how that happens? It seems like this has happend to more people than I even ever realized. How does that happen to me. Its not even like I was a crazy chick or anything. I was stoked.
And I feel like someone just took all my stoke away. And now I cant even believe someone held that much power over me to de-stoke me like that. (and yes I know, ‘no one did anything TO me”….everything I am feeling is me, making myself feel it…)
Also frustrating when I want to write happy songs, but it seems like nothing but heavy under a microscope type things are coming out of me at the moment.
I guess that is what is supposed to be coming now.
Yeah yea, I know its all perfect. And it all happens for the best.
But I think Im just gonna let myself feel for a minute, and not try to figure out why it happened…or act like Im all good and have it together…cause i dont.
The only place I seem to be happy is in the ocean.