Yesterday, I finally got surgery to remove the polyp on my vocal chord.
Nearly 6 months ago, I had a strange feeling something was up with my voice. It would easily tire, become hoarse, my upper register would go in and out, and at times my voice was completely non-existent. After one visit to the doctor, we found a polyp, which is usually caused from over singing or excessive talking, but can develop from something as simple as coughing hard.
With the help of my doctor, a vocal coach and a speech therapist, I refocused all my everything on trying to heal my voice without getting surgery. I had already committed myself to a tour, and making a record, and I didn’t want to let anyone down. I was feeling pretty positive, and pretty confident in getting rid of this thing on my own. I’ve never had surgery, or broken a bone. Heck, i’ve never even been to an emergency room, let alone the hospital, for anything!
In the end, the polyp remained the same size even though I nearly perfected my technique.
I was so very sad and stressed out, canceling a tour, a record, disappointing fans, a record label, putting your career on hold, is never any fun. I went through all the emotions, asking myself questions like: Are people gonna forget about me? Is my window of opportunity going to pass? Will my voice come back? Will I have anything to fall back on? Is music as a career, really where my heart is?
In response to that last question, which is one I have asked myself a lot in the last 2 years, my manager always comes back with this answer: I think you are so afraid of being successful, you get in the way of yourself.
I think there is some truth in that. I am definitely aware that if i truly pour my heart out, and give my all, there is no telling where this train is going to go, for how long, or how far. But in life, there is no use in trying to predict, control, or argue with anything. You’d think I would know better by now, to get out of my own way!!! Sheesh…
I read a great twitter from my friend Ryland (@lovebeingryland), it read: “When you argue with reality, you always lose. Choose what is and live free. This sounds backwards, but look to the experience of your life.”
I am slowly learning that I just have to follow my heart, be unattached, and present to the now moment. If things happen, whether they are steps ahead, or steps back, either way I accept that they are perfectly positioned, custom made for me, from life.
By following my heart, I fight for the things I love. I stick to my gut, I make choices because they are in alignment with my commitment to them. By being unattached, I know that everything is in here. Nothing is out there. Being unattached means not creating a space for expectation, which ultimately means not creating a space for disappointment or failure. Now this doesn’t mean you cant wish for something, or manifest something. It just means, be ready for it to show up for you, how it shows up. Which might not be the way in which you think it will (i.e.. attachment). By being present, I become a great listener, because I have nowhere to be but here, now. Being present is a tough one for me, as I tend to think about a 100 things when someone is talking to me. I am quick to want to interrupt, and agree or point out something. I am the girl, that goes to the museum, a show, reads a book or watches a movie, and needs to pause every 6 seconds to make a note, or share. I am learning how to just be in the moment. To just be present with whatever I am with.
Right now I am present to how I should be relaxing, but I am so fidgety. Checking Ebay, Twitter, Facebook, watching TV, cleaning the kitchen, reading design blogs, texting, emailing… I cannot sit still! I feel the need to share or reach out, otherwise I feel like I am not contributing to life! I am attached to that little story, can you see it?
Sometimes thinking about this stuff makes me dizzy.
Either way, I have made it through my first day of vocal rest. I even ventured to the market with a notepad, and got me some dinner. People are really cute when you sign language to them that you cant talk, I notice how they too stop talking and sign language with me, and they get this happy look on their face, like “This is fun!”
Oh I forgot to give the surgery update.
I don’t remember anything, one minute I was awake, and then I felt all ooey gooey wonderful..and then i woke up, and blurted out, “Oh, are we done!?” So much for not talking. Whoops! Its all good though. I am in perfect health, as are my vocal folds, so recovery should be a breeze! I ended up having 2 polyps! They are gone now, and surgery went as good as one could wish :) I am on voice rest for 1 week, and then will go to see the doctor for a check up. Once I get released from vocal rest, I will begin working with a speech therapist.
In the meantime I will be relaxing and reflecting this next week. Its really quiet in my mind. Its like a watching a sunset, on a deserted beach. Its just really peaceful.
I also want to thank all ya’ll for your patience, for your understanding, and for all the love you’ve been sending me this week, (..and pretty much all the time). I am present to how much of it there is, and for that I am ever grateful!
Over the years, Ive had a lot of people ask me questions like, “So how’d you do it?” “How did you get started?” “How did you turn your hobby into a career?”
In my head, the most common answer is, “I just did?”
This excerpt below, puts it into words perfectly.
(Thank you Mastin, for these daily reminders of limitless love and possibility)
Every generation has a limit to what it believes can be real. At one point we thought the world was flat, that it was impossible to fly or that putting a man on the moon was impossible.
The same thing can be said about how other people perceive you when you have a vision or a dream.
Not everyone will see it. Many will doubt it. In the beginning almost none will help make it happen.
But the magic lies in this: KNOWING, AFFIRMING and BELIEVING that your inner world creates your outer world. The thoughts and vision you are thinking about creating the life of your dreams, are the blueprints of your eventual success. When you are inspired, don’t seek the approval of other people before you begin taking action. Just take action and produce results. You will learn from the action you take and if you take consistent and daily action eventually you will begin to show positive results.
When you show positive results, instead of other people saying, “Ah, that impossible”, they’ll start to ask you, “How’d you do that?”