Please note: It’s been a whole nother tour since I wrote this, but my contents are still shifted…especially after this night:
Please be careful when opening the overhead bin, as contents may have shifted…
Hey y’all, I’m currently on my way back to San Diego. We just wrapped up our 3 week tour: Denver, Santa Fe, Dallas, Austin, New Orleans, Birmingham, Nashville, Athens, Atlanta, Charlotte, Carrboro, Washington DC, New York, Philly, Boston.
What a handful that was haha… I’m always amazed at how much can happen in 3 weeks, and I always take note of the space I was in before tour, and space I am in when its over.
Right now, words cannot express my gratitude for all of you who took the time and energy to make it to our shows. I have never headlined before and had such packed sold out shows like the ones we have had this year. I’ve said it a lot from the stage, but I really mean it: When I walked away from music to take a break, 1 year quickly turned into 4…I went from uninspired to super inspired and made Cedar + Gold. It was therapeutic enough just writing and releasing that album, I needed it for the sake of my heart and soul. But to see that aside from all that, it has provided peace, love clarity for others, that is really, truly all I could ever ask for. And that you on top of that come to show! It doesn’t get much better. I remember something Chis Martin said in the Coldplay documentary: “Remember what it was like to throw parties as a kid and people showed up? Imagine that, but with a stadium full of people.”
For me…I was barely allowed to have friends over as a kid, let alone parties, so as you can imagine, I definitely freak out a little bit inside, every night, when I see all your faces.
At the end of the day, music resonates the deepest with me when I am making it because I need an outlet, a safe space to get my thoughts out… It’s easy, when it turns into a full blown career, to feel rushed, and forced. You start trying too hard to write the perfect single, hook, and melody. It’s easy to loose sight of what the music wants. I believe for all of us that choose a path in the arts, the medium (whatever it may be) knows what it wants from you. Cedar + Gold knew exactly what it wanted to be, it just needed me to tune in and do the work, and I’m just happy that I could focus enough to make it happen.
As for the road…The road is always a test for me. Its easy to get distracted, there is so much time for the mind to wander. I get glued to my phone and high on social media: Twitter, Instagram, Vine, Facebook, etc…I start reading into comments, and allowing self doubt to creep in. Plus, I’m extra hard on myself if my voice wasn’t particularly strong during a part in the show. If I am tired, and the someone says, “Yeah, you seemed a little off”. It’s easy to turn a comment into a chapter, and make it mean all sorts of wacky shit.
This tour, I left home with a lot of personal stuff up in the air. And, at times I let it get the best of me. I made up a lot of stories. Couple that with a lot of long travel days sitting in a van for 4-6hrs at a time. There is a lot of time to think, and it can get a lonely. Oh ya, don’t forget to add in mercury retrograde…and shark week.
This is where having my amazing gal pal, Anya Marina on tour with us was a heaven sent. I’ve known Anya since I started playing music, one of my first shows in San Diego was with her nearly 10 years ago. Anya and I shared a hotel room almost every night, and I cant even tell you how stupid this sounds, but to put on a face mask, make some tea, and watch the bachelor, while gabbing with one of your best girlfriends was THE BEST THING EVER.
I was also really impressed that every morning Anya would wake up early and meditate or hit the gym no matter how late we went to bed the night before. Its no wonder she is so calm, cool and collect. Usually, I am trying to get as much sleep as I can, but Anya was a great reminder that it is so important to take care of yourself, and stay connected to the source.
This seems so obvious to me, but somehow I let it slip past me. About half way through tour I had a very emotional meltdown. Some tissues, time and a pep talk later, I got my shit together. I also managed to get myself to a yoga class in NYC with Elena Brower at Viroyoga, which was HUGE -man did she blow my heart right open! It was like all the sudden I remembered everything that I had somehow forgot. That night we played one of the best shows of the whole tour, to a sold out crowd, at the Bowery Ballroom in NYC.
I probably would have gone even more crazy had I not been able to sing my heart out every night. Either way, this tour was a great lesson: There is always work to be done. And always contents in our overhead bin that could use some shifting.
I also picked up a book on my iPod, by Gabrielle Bernstein called “May Cause Miracles” - Its already proving to be a good tool to help me stay on track, positive, and focused while I’m out on the road.
I realized, I’ve been learning how to master the happy life, at home, in my little bubble. I have to remember that I have not been on tour in nearly 4 years. It’s gonna take some adjusting, and some more letting go. And surely some bumps along the way are to be expected. As I find my footing on the road, it leaves me even more grateful for your patience, your kind words of encouragement, and your support. One of my favorite things that fans say to me, is that my shows make them feel like we are all on the same page, like we could be best friends. I love when I see you guys in it together, helping and looking out for each other. It makes me so happy.
So thank you for being awesome, and inspiring me to keep being awesome.
You have my heart.
All my love,
Ps. I gotta give a shout out to my amazing band and tour manager: Steve Miller, Josh Dunahoo, and Chris Nunnari…and all their lovely family and friends that we met up with along the way.